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Resources  email page print page Basic Information Chapter 1 - Self-help: What is it? Chapter 1 - IndexIntroduction to the Online Self-Help BookTaking Action is KeyExample of Taking Action (with analysis)Steps in the Self-help ProcessSteps 1-4: Problem AnalysisSteps 5-7: Planning a SolutionSteps 8 and 9: Taking ActionSteps to Self-Help OverviewBenefits of Self-helpDisadvantages of Self-helpWhen Self-help Is InappropriateDeciding Whether to Use Self-help or Professional HelpDiagnosis vs. Self-DiagnosisRisks of Self DiagnosisConclusion Chapter 2 - Understanding the Nature of your Problem Chapter 2 - IndexIntroductionIdentify What Life Domains Are AffectedSocial ProblemsLifestyle IndicatorsSelf Identity ProblemsLevels of EmotionSexual Identity and Gender IdentityCultural IdentityLife Domains ConclusionDraw Upon Your ExistingSources of Inaccurate KnowledgeSources of Inaccurate Knowledge: ConclusionTelling True From FalseDraw Upon Scientific Methods and KnowledgeConcerns in Science Chapter 3 - Overview of Bio-Psycho-Social Theories Chapter 3 - IndexIntroductionThe "bio-psycho-social" ModelImplications of Medicine for Self-helpImplications of Psychological Theories for Self-help: IntroductionLearning TheoryPsychodynamic TheoriesHumanistic TheoryPersonality Trait TheoryDevelopmental TheoriesSocially Oriented Theories: Family SystemsSocially Oriented Theories: Further Points Chapter 4 - Meeting Basic Needs Chapter 4 - IndexIntroductionMethods for Meeting Basic NeedsMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: Shelter, Food, and Medical CareMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: NutritionMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: SleepMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: ExerciseMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: SafetyMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: BelongingMethods for Meeting Basic Needs: Relaxation and FunAssessing Basic Needs Chapter 5 - Changing Behavior and Thought Chapter 5 - IndexMethods for Changing Behavior and ThoughtsTechniques for Learning New BehaviorsTechniques for Unlearning Old BehaviorsTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: ExtinctionTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: Self-MonitoringTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: Biofeedback and NeurofeedbackTechniques for Unlearning Old Behaviors: OverviewDealing with Avoidance-Motivated BehaviorDealing with Avoidance-Motivated Behavior: ExposureDealing with Avoidance-Motivated Behavior: Response PreventionDealing with Avoidance-Motivated Behavior: Flooding and Rational OverrideDealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Relapse PreventionDealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Relapse Prevention (Continued)Dealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Tapering Methods vs. Cold TurkeyDealing with Reward-Motivated Behavior: Aversion TherapyApplying Learning Principles to ThoughtsApplying Learning Principles to Thought: Cognitive RestructuringCommon Types of Thought and Belief MistakesCommon Types of Thought and Belief Mistakes: Jumping to Conclusions and Emotional Reasoning BiasesCognitive RestructuringThought StoppingSelf-Suggestion Approaches: Affirmations, Imagery and RelaxationHypnosis and Self-Hypnosis Self-Suggestion Approaches Chapter 6 - Changing Your Mood Chapter 6 - IndexMethods For Changing Your MoodSelf-Soothing Techniques: Venting and JournalingSelf-Soothing Techniques: Relaxation Methods, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, and MassageSelf-Soothing Techniques: Autogenic Training and YogaSelf-Soothing Techniques: MeditationSelf-Soothing Techniques: DistractionSelf-Soothing Techniques: Physical Exercise Chapter 7 - Changing Your Knowledge Chapter 7 - IndexChanging Your Knowledge, Skills and Abilities and CredentialsPersonal Knowledge and Informal LearningPublic, Documented Knowledge and Credential ProgramsLearning Knowledge vs. SkillLearning Knowledge vs. Skill: PracticeTime Management and OrganizationTime Management and Organization: Commitment Mapping Chapter 8 - Changing Your Relationships Chapter 8 - IndexMethods For Changing Your RelationshipsSocial SkillsSocial Skills: Role PlayingNetworkingSocializationSetting boundaries AppropriatelySetting boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness TrainingSetting boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training (Continued)Setting boundaries Appropriately: Anger ManagementSetting boundaries Appropriately: Aggressive BehaviorValues Clarification (Again!) Chapter 9 - Changing Your Identity and Motivation Chapter 9 - IndexMethods For Changing Your Identity and Your MotivationsExploring Perspectives on the Past, Present and FutureChanging Perspectives On The PastChanging Perspectives On The Past: Autobiography and Analysis of TransferenceChanging Perspectives On The Past: GenogramChanging Perspectives On The Past: OverviewMethods for Changing Perspective on the PresentMethods for Changing Perspective on the Present: Understanding Your Basic Personality ProfileCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Basic and Intermediate DefensesCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Mature DefensesCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Mature DefensesCoping Strategies and Defense Mechanisms: Questions to Ask OneselfValues and Morals ClarificationValues and Morals Clarification: Value ChangesMethods For Changing Perspective On The FutureMethods For Changing Perspective On The Future: Challenging Pessimistic Tendencies Chapter 10 - Your Unique Self-Help Plan Chapter 10 - IndexIntroductionCreating Your Unique Self-Help Plan: Setting Goals and Selecting MethodsCreating Your Unique Self-Help Plan: Plan ManagementCreating Your Unique Self-Help Plan: Stick With It!Example self-help plans: 1 & 2Example Self-help Plans: 3Example Self-help Plans: 4Example Self-help Plans: 5 Chapter 11 - Specific Problems Chapter 11 - IndexIntroduction to Specific PlansAbuseAddictions (Including Alcoholism)ADHDAnger and AggressionAnxiety and WorryCompulsive Eating and Not-EatingDatingDebt and Compulsive Spending (Shopping Addiction)DepressionGamblingInternet AddictionObsessive Compulsive DisorderProcrastinationPublic SpeakingRelationship ProblemsSelf-ConfidenceSexual AddictionSexual ProblemsSleep ProblemsSmokingSpeech ProblemsWorkaholism Chapter 12 - Dependency Chapter 12 - IndexIntroductionForces of DependencyMethods for Decreasing Dependency: Change Your Thoughts and BeliefsMethods of Decreasing Dependency: Change Your BehaviorMethods for Decreasing Dependency: Change Your KnowledgeMethods for Decreasing Dependency: Change Your Identity More Information Are You Ready to Declare Your "Emancipation Procrastination? Or Is It Time to PANIC?Dysfunctional ProcrastinationHow To Set New Year's Resolutions and Stick With Them Questions and Answers What is the true meaning of being defensive?Stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship for 10 yearsHow do I get out of a friendship?Anger To Cover SadnessAsking a second time for boundaries to be respectedWhat is the right path of action?Please help me with basic social skillsstanding up for oneselfThe Catch 22 of Fear of AbandonmentWhat is wrong with me? I Don't care anymore... Blog Entries The Nature of EnvyHow To Stick To New Year's ResolutionsUnderstanding PerfectionismSelf-Control and Success (and how to learn better self-control too) Links [9] Videos

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Social Skills
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D.

There isn't one social skill; there are many. They involve actual skills, knowledge and beliefs about self and the world that come together to make people better able to manage relationships:

• Socially skilled people tend to be confident people. They feel generally good about themselves. While they know they aren't perfect, they do feel they are "good enough", and worthy of other's love and caring. They expect that other people will probably like them if they give them a chance.
• Socially skilled people tend to be outgoing and positive about life. They take the initiative when meeting other people, and make it clear, through their body language manners and words that they are in a good mood, or (and this is the important part) at least willing to look for the good in a situation when they are not feeling so hot. Other people tend to find these qualities to be rewarding and want to be with such people. Less socially skilled people tend to be less outgoing, and frequently less positive when they meet others. They may be perfectly nice, but no one gets to find that out, because they do not tend to introduce themselves, but instead wait for others to introduce themselves.
• Socially skilled people tend to have a good grasp of social protocol. A protocol is a shared convention for communication. Protocols allow two people (or groups) from different backgrounds who may have very little in common to know how to speak with one another without anyone getting offended. For example, socially skilled people understand what other people are expecting to hear when greeted or approached, or how they expect to be thanked when they have given a gift. Because they understand what to do, they are able to produce desired responses that those people want and expect. They know, for instance, to shake hands when meeting a business partner, kiss on both cheeks when meeting a European friend, and make a special hand sign or give a hug when greeting a close childhood friend. Other ways that people express their command of social protocol might include that:

• They smile and share their good mood with others.
• They know how to "small talk" and don't find it offensive or demeaning to do so. They understand that it is inappropriate (and often frightening) for people to share too much too soon. Small talk is a way of sharing very little, but still expressing interest in another person. After a little small talk, people feel more comfortable, and (depending on the relationship and the situation) deeper subjects may be brought up.
• They ask the people they interact with about themselves, expressing interest in their life and interests. They know that people like to talk about themselves, and will typically appreciate the audience.
• They use body language to communicate their interest:

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• They lean forward slightly rather than reclining backwards
• They look at people when they talk to them, making eye contact frequently
• Their arms and legs are open, rather than crossed and closed.
• They do their best to remember the contents of conversations, and show people they remember when they meet again. They know that people are appreciative of being remembered.
• They are polite. For example, they say, "Thank you" when someone makes them a compliment, and "I'm sorry", when they want to express concern or apologize.
• They make sure they are reasonably well groomed, so that people don't look at them and form a negative first impression.
• They behave reasonably well, showing awareness that they are in a public place. For example, they don't pick their nose or scratch their buttocks.
• They are willing to be vulnerable as becomes appropriate to the situations they find themselves in. They aren't closed people, but instead are willing to share themselves appropriately. They are sensitive to the possibility of oversharing (saying too much, too soon), and avoid doing that.
• They are careful when choosing partners for long term relationships. They do not commit themselves quickly or easily, but rather take time to get to know the character of the people they are considering. They understand the importance of partner compatibility in keeping long term relationships healthy. This is to say, they understand that partners' values, fighting style and ways of expressing themselves need to mesh well if relationships are to work well. They understand that compatibility is separate from love, and that while two people may love one another, they may not be good long term partners for one another if they are incompatible.

Social skills are, in essence, the personal skills equivalent of marketing skills in business. You may be a wonderful person, but if you don't know how to present yourself to people in a way that helps them want to "buy into you", you won't find yourself with many "customers" (e.g., friends). There is a competitive aspect to many relationships, especially when those relationships are new. A good command of social skills helps you to put your best foot forward, and be maximally proactive. When you have good social skills, you have the tools necessary to make relationships happen.

Updated: Jun 29th 2006